NOSTALGIA AIN’T WHAT IT USED TO BE.

I remember back in my day, Sacky Glen scored 16 goals in the first five minutes of a game against Drumcondra in front of 174,000 people. And the game was played in my friend’s backyard. Ah nostalgia isn’t what it used to be! I’ve always maintained people get nostalgic about things they weren’t so crazy about the first time around.

Take Britain in the forties. The German Luftwaffe, bombing, air shelters, and ration books. My grand-uncle survived it, yet all I ever get from him is “Those were great days!”

Although nostalgia files the rough edges off those “good old days”, there are some things inherently wrong with today’s game and here are some things I’m sure all football fans of clubs here and the UK, of a certain age yearn for.

Floodlight Pylons – Once upon a time every club worth its salt had them. A massive beacon shining into the night. You never needed sappy things like Sat-Nav’s or even a map. You just started your old Cortina and drove towards that huge light in the distance.  Who reading today can’t tell me they didn’t love the sight of an 87 year old man climbing the pylons to fix a few bulbs before a game, and praying he didn’t fall? These days they’d be ready with an Iphone waiting to capture the poor sod hitting the ground.

Cars parked around the pitch:

In these health and safety-conscious times, it’s hard to believe you used to watch Match of the Day and see cars parked around the perimeter of a top level football club like Chelsea. Though many of their younger fans can bask in the glory of a couple of Champions League victories, its not easy for the older fans to remember a time when Stamford Bridge was a kip. A club that Chairman Ken Bates decided he was going to buy for the princely price of £1 in 1982. The main stand needed huge improvements but the sight of cars at the ground and risking multiple windscreens being smashed each Saturday. Funny was not the word. Well actually it is.

Inflatable Objects; Though they have vanished for a long time now, there was a period when you couldn't go to a football game without some asshole standing in front of your with everything from an inflatable banana or dildo to ruin the match. Apperently the story goes a Manchester City supporter named Frank Newton brought a five-foot inflatable banana to City’s opening match of the Division Two season against Plymouth Argyle. Numbers grew throughout the season, home and away.

The following season the inflatables had taken over. The hundreds and hundreds of bananas were joined by a giant crocodile, kids’ paddling pools, gorillas, birds and many more. Although bananas were the favourite of Manchester City, a host of other clubs soon adopted their own blow-up variant, including inflatable fish being waved at Grimsby, black puddings at Bury, hammers at West Ham, and Pink Panthers at Stoke.

Grass. A rare commodity in days gone by. Footballers didn’t need the unnecessary green when they had mud and some white lines. After all,  they were playing with a ball of stone with stitching and boots that could put a pair of Doc Martins to shame, so they weren’t going to let a girly thing like no grass put them off.

Creosote Early August, grass cut, nets up but the pitch needs to be lined. Enter creosote (or pitch oil, lime or whatever name you want to call it.) We all loved the smell of it. You couldn’t wait to inhale it into your lungs. It completed the match day experience. Sure it was dangerous, could blind you if you fell in it and now on the FIFA banned list due to the amount of chemicals in it, but it was an essential part of football from yesteryear. Sodding health freaks these days – football needs some danger, even before you kick-off!

Subbuteo THE greatest game ever invented – period! Who didn’t start their Saturday evening with a re-enactment of Arsenal hammering Spurs or Exeter City's 62-0 victory over Plymouth and then waiting for Jimmy Hill to present “Match of The Day”? These days it’s all Playstation’s and grown men pretending to be Russian pimp’s or cutting the head’s off zombies whilst updating their Twitter page.

Bovril. A real man’s drink. Sure it would stick your colon to your ribs and you’d taste it for the next six days but it would keep you warm. If the passengers on the Titanic had a batch of Bovril on the go whilst the White Star Liner was sinking I’m sure they could have swum back to Southampton without even the mention of frostbite.

Rosettes.You know? The ones bigger than Ian Dowie’s head and where always handy for covering up that Spaghetti Bolognese stain on your jumper. But they were part of the old day rituals at a football match. Apparently they started as early as the 1920's. These were the perfect accessory for cup finals and big derby matches, sold by hawkers outside the ground alongside wooden rattles and early versions of the bar scarf. Iconic toy and games manufacturer Subbuteo even began producing football rosettes, listing them in their catalogues from around 1963 until at least the mid-1970s, which speaks to their wide appeal as a piece of general football memorabilia.

The condemned stand. In the past in every ground you’d encounter a thin piece of red and white tape that’s the only thing separating you from certain death on a relic that has stood empty and disused since 1987. It will hold firm for 89 minutes until the home side score and the movement of half a dozen fans will bring the entire seating area and terrace crashing to the ground. A ground liable to have you in the obituaries column the following week.

Finally – Perm’s, bad hair days and dodgy moustaches. Oh how we laughed at the Village People- unaware they’d styled most of the footballers in the seventies. A perm was THE fashion accessory back then (Kevin Keegan being one of the early trendsetters which reached it's height around the mid-1980's. Your local hairdresser would easily hook you up with the the tallest most ridiculous perm no problem in 1976. In 2026 you could be kicked to death for asking for the same hairdo.